Single, Pregnant, and Hanging Out By The Beer

...Or married, pregnant, and waiting for my husband by the frozen pizza, but I guess life is all about perception.

There is a point in every woman's pregnancy (I'm assuming... I'm only one woman and I've only been pregnant once) when she becomes aware of just how formidable her baby bump is. Fortunately, that moment was not today for me, and so I was mostly able to laugh at the woman who actually made the above mentioned comment in Kroger. My moment was a couple of weeks ago while I was waiting to get my car inspected. The old man sitting next to me, who was emphatically shouting wrong answers to the episode of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" playing in the waiting room, told me I needed to have at least two more kids. I needed one to replace me, one to replace my husband, and one "for America." That was my moment. I will hold it near to my heart always.

Today, however, was not my moment. Matt and I finally decided to go grocery shopping (we'd made it about a month since our last visit, so I was pretty excited about this) and were nearing the homestretch of our trip: The frozen food aisle. Belatedly Matt decided it would be nice of us to feed our cat too, so he backtracked to go grab the fat cat's economy sized bag while I manned the cart.

I realized two things during his brief absence. Number one: Those women who push their kids around in the shopping carts that look like race cars should not be, under any circumstances, deterred. I was deciding whether or not I should actually grab the hot pockets I was eyeing when said woman and her daughter came barreling through. Fearing for my life, I did what any self respecting pregnant woman: I dove to the other side of the aisle. Right by the beer. (They can sell beer in grocery stores down south.)

Trailing the crazed race cart soccer mom was a woman, probably in her fifties, strolling nonchalantly down the aisle while chatting on her cell phone. No cart. No basket. She wasn't even looking at anything. I deduced that her weekly mall walking group must have excommunicated her, and so she was forced to roam the aisles of Kroger instead.

And as she passed, in a tone that was clearly not intended for whomever was on the other line of that pink smart phone, she said "single, pregnant, and hanging out by the beer." The second thing I realized was just how annoying some people could be.

I didn't even bother pulling out my signature, casually wave my left hand to expose my diamond rings move (picture John Cena's five knuckle shuffle). I didn't deem her worthy.

Not only was my back turned to the miller light behind me, but I was also holding three different types of hot pockets. (I put them all back.) Apparently I was such an advanced alcoholic that just being in close proximity to light beer was soothing. Naturally.

So though today was not my moment, it was the moment I decided to make a t-shirt that says "Yes, I'm pregnant. Yes, I'm married. No, I'm not nursing an alcohol addiction."

Not really. It was funny though.