A couple of weeks ago, Matt and I decided to take Declan to Virginia Tech's annual spring football game. It's essentially a glorified scrimage, but it was a good opportunity to hang out with some friends, enjoy great weather, and get Declan into the stadium for free. (They charge full ticket price during the regular season, which is kind of ridiculous to me.)
We were lucky enough to find parking only a few minute's walk from the stadium, which doesn't always happen, but we were a little late, so decided to take a short cut. This short cut happened to lead us right by your typical beat down, party on the lawn, bass shaking the windows type sorority house. (Or maybe it wasn't a sorority house, but there was definitely a pretty wild sorority party taking place.)
I guess they were just extremely exuberant for the spring game (again, glorified scrimage) because these girls were holding nothing back. And there seemed to be no shortage of a certain type of beverage, either. I jokingly (but not really, I was serious) told Matt that I doubted any of these people were planning on attending the game.
And I was right, because as we made our way back to the car, they were still there-- and the crowd was growing. We're having a little bit of a laugh about this until I see them-- two entirely inebriated stumbling across the street toward the house. We keep walking, only a few yards away from passing the house when one of them spots Declan who, in all fairness, was looking quite dashing that day.
It was like a tribal call: "Baaaaabyyyyyy!"
And that was all it took for about three or four of them to flock toward us. We tried to sidestep them, but to no avail. The only way to describe these girls are as follows: Drunk, Drunker, Drunkest, and How Are You Still Upright?
How Are You Still Upright: I love your baby. Like, LOVE your baby.
Me: Thanks. Me too.
Drunker: Seriously, cutest baby I've ever seen in my life.
Drunkest: Yeah, she's gorgeous.
Me: He's pretty cute.
How Are You Still Upright: Oh it's a he, guys, it's a HE.
She reaches a hand out to touch his face, at this point, and the only reason I don't stop her is because I'm busy contemplating the best ways to break her wrist if need be. She actually reaches toward Matt as if to take him from her arms, and I'm about to throw down, when fortunately Drunk steps in.
Drunk: You are NOT picking up that baby, How Are You Still Standing.
How Are You Still Standing: (annoyed) I wasn't. I babysit, so I'm good. You don't have to worry.
And she says this like, five more times, as she continues to attempt to pet Declan's hair. Fortunately, I think her depth perception was off, because she's basically stroking the air.
How Are You Still Standing: Seriously, the girl I watch is (does a mental calculation) eleven months old? Yeah. So, yeah, I babysit. I'm serious.
Honestly, I hope you're not serious because that means, A) you're frequently in charge of another human life and, B) someone trusted you enough to put you in charge of a human life. This does little to put my mind at ease.
Drunk: So are you guys Hokies?
Me: He is, I'm not. (I'm just going to start telling people I am when they ask; they'll like me more.)
Drunk: Oh okay, but, like, you like, GET IT, right? I mean, you GET IT?
That you're drunk? Yes, got that a few minutes ago.
Me: Yep, I love it here.
Drunk: (think valley girl accent) Yeah, I love it here. I (expletive) love.it.here. And, like, I have to marry a TECH MAN (eyeballs Matt, who is holding Declan in one arm and my hand with the other.)
Me: Yeah... me too.
Drunkest: But like seriously--
Me: Well, we're going to go
Drunkest: Love your baby. She's so cute.
How Are You Still Standing is supremely confused-- she looks like she has already forgotten our entire conversation, and is unsure of who we are. She moves as if to hug us, but we make our move and she misses.
How Are You Still Standing: Bye. Love you guys!
And that is how Declan was almost initiated into a sorority.
And also why he won't be going to college.
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